New Years Resolution...
This was written on the 27/12/05.
It's time to change. I need an outerskin makeover. We're told all the time that true beauty lies within, which is true, but what we're often not told is you can't catch a fish without a worm... or a lure, or a net or a spear or something. What I'm trying to say is that no matter how beautiful a person is on the inside, unless they're beautiful on the outside no-one will bother looking. I'm not talking about cosmetic good looks, I'm talking about charisma... presence... that stuff that takes peoples breath away. The stuff I'm currently lacking.
I got a message from Sara tonight. She said she wonders what may have happened if I'd had the courage to talk to her. I asked her what she would've said had I asked her out, and as I suspected she said no... but added that she would've appreciated the effort and perhaps reconsidered, which made a little light go on upstairs... my sister had just opened the fridge!
...
*tumbleweed rolls past*
...
But in all seriousness... I'd always wondered why in movies you see a popular school girl who's genuinly a nice person, but is dating a jock wanker who usuallt yurns out to be gay. I always wondered what girls see in faggots like that, and it dawned on me. They're not afraid to take what they want, and that confidence is obviously appealing enough to overshadow the fact that they're total jerks (until the end of the movie at least, when the girl matures and the guys doesn't... then they get their arse dumped).
This is definatly my biggest downfall, and the reason I'm a 20 year old guy that's never had a serious relationship. I've known for a while that I'm losing out because I hesitate... but it's more than that. I need a presence that'll get a girl interested, and I know it's in me somewhere because I have no trouble chatting up girls on the net. once I have the courage to say in real life what I say online, then I'll have no trouble getting some interest.
Am I too picky, or would I be short changing myself with a girl I'm not that interested in? There are a few girls around who I know have liked me in one way or another... more specifically the romantic way... but I've never felt the same way. I may like them a lot as friends, but have never felt anything more than that. Should I pursue it anyway and see if something develops, or would I just be lying to both of us?
At the moment I'm all out of romatic interests. There's no-one I know that I'm interested in. There was this Swedish chick at my RCG course and we were both checking each other out. I was going to give her my number as I left... but like always I chickened out. I don't know why... for some reason I percieve
'dangers' that aren't there. Even simple things like calling customer service I don't like doing. Why? I have a paranoid fear of making a fool of myself, and I really need to fuck it off 'cause it's killing me. This year I've only really liked two girls... one turned me down and the other would've too had I asked her. Maybe I get so scared about making a fool of myself around these girls that they don't get to see the real me... maybe I'm just falling for the wrong girls. Either way, it's no fun.
I had a great dream last night. Nothing dramatic happened, but I had a girl... and I loved it. Her name was... Rocel, I think (pronounced 'Rochelle'). She was attractive, but nothing really stunning... but she was a beautiful girl... with an obsessive ex called Alex who just couldn't get over losing her. He'd always bother us, never anything violent, but you could tell it was killing him to see us together. I felt sorry for him, but I was never going to give Rocel up... and she didn't want to go either, which was great. It was lovely to be with a girl that I liked and she liked me back... and nothing else matters.
There was another girl in the dream. Her name was Pippa and was very much 'modelled' after a girl from highschool called Ella. She was gorgeous, stunning, popular, free spirited, smart... and really nice. She's the kinda girl you couldn't date because she's so perfect you'd be so ridiculously over-protective that she'd feel trapped and end up leaving you. She's the nice girl on the arm of the jerk (as forementioned) but always positive and views everyone as equal. She's not above nor below anybody. She was so beautiful... but I was never romantically interested in her, for two reasons; one being the reason I just made about being over-protective and being paranoid about losing her, the second and greater reason was that I had Rocel. I had my own beautiful girl and was more than contempt with her, I had no need for anyone else.
I wondered what Pippa's life was like. She was so popular with the boys most of the girls hated her out of sheer jealousy, and she was so perfect she was intimidating to all but the most arrogant of guys... I don't know how happy she would've been with her life, I know I probably wouldn't want to be in her shoes. Girls hate her and the only guys that'll ask her out are wankers... and for what? For being so perfect. Poor girl... I hope she finds a nice guy to love... amazing how she manages to be so fresh and cheerful all the time... but on the flip side she always is fresh and cheerful, so maybe her life isn't so bad after all.
But back to me. I need to get some confidence, grow some balls and get my Rocel!
It's time to change. I need an outerskin makeover. We're told all the time that true beauty lies within, which is true, but what we're often not told is you can't catch a fish without a worm... or a lure, or a net or a spear or something. What I'm trying to say is that no matter how beautiful a person is on the inside, unless they're beautiful on the outside no-one will bother looking. I'm not talking about cosmetic good looks, I'm talking about charisma... presence... that stuff that takes peoples breath away. The stuff I'm currently lacking.
I got a message from Sara tonight. She said she wonders what may have happened if I'd had the courage to talk to her. I asked her what she would've said had I asked her out, and as I suspected she said no... but added that she would've appreciated the effort and perhaps reconsidered, which made a little light go on upstairs... my sister had just opened the fridge!
...
*tumbleweed rolls past*
...
But in all seriousness... I'd always wondered why in movies you see a popular school girl who's genuinly a nice person, but is dating a jock wanker who usuallt yurns out to be gay. I always wondered what girls see in faggots like that, and it dawned on me. They're not afraid to take what they want, and that confidence is obviously appealing enough to overshadow the fact that they're total jerks (until the end of the movie at least, when the girl matures and the guys doesn't... then they get their arse dumped).
This is definatly my biggest downfall, and the reason I'm a 20 year old guy that's never had a serious relationship. I've known for a while that I'm losing out because I hesitate... but it's more than that. I need a presence that'll get a girl interested, and I know it's in me somewhere because I have no trouble chatting up girls on the net. once I have the courage to say in real life what I say online, then I'll have no trouble getting some interest.
Am I too picky, or would I be short changing myself with a girl I'm not that interested in? There are a few girls around who I know have liked me in one way or another... more specifically the romantic way... but I've never felt the same way. I may like them a lot as friends, but have never felt anything more than that. Should I pursue it anyway and see if something develops, or would I just be lying to both of us?
At the moment I'm all out of romatic interests. There's no-one I know that I'm interested in. There was this Swedish chick at my RCG course and we were both checking each other out. I was going to give her my number as I left... but like always I chickened out. I don't know why... for some reason I percieve
'dangers' that aren't there. Even simple things like calling customer service I don't like doing. Why? I have a paranoid fear of making a fool of myself, and I really need to fuck it off 'cause it's killing me. This year I've only really liked two girls... one turned me down and the other would've too had I asked her. Maybe I get so scared about making a fool of myself around these girls that they don't get to see the real me... maybe I'm just falling for the wrong girls. Either way, it's no fun.
I had a great dream last night. Nothing dramatic happened, but I had a girl... and I loved it. Her name was... Rocel, I think (pronounced 'Rochelle'). She was attractive, but nothing really stunning... but she was a beautiful girl... with an obsessive ex called Alex who just couldn't get over losing her. He'd always bother us, never anything violent, but you could tell it was killing him to see us together. I felt sorry for him, but I was never going to give Rocel up... and she didn't want to go either, which was great. It was lovely to be with a girl that I liked and she liked me back... and nothing else matters.
There was another girl in the dream. Her name was Pippa and was very much 'modelled' after a girl from highschool called Ella. She was gorgeous, stunning, popular, free spirited, smart... and really nice. She's the kinda girl you couldn't date because she's so perfect you'd be so ridiculously over-protective that she'd feel trapped and end up leaving you. She's the nice girl on the arm of the jerk (as forementioned) but always positive and views everyone as equal. She's not above nor below anybody. She was so beautiful... but I was never romantically interested in her, for two reasons; one being the reason I just made about being over-protective and being paranoid about losing her, the second and greater reason was that I had Rocel. I had my own beautiful girl and was more than contempt with her, I had no need for anyone else.
I wondered what Pippa's life was like. She was so popular with the boys most of the girls hated her out of sheer jealousy, and she was so perfect she was intimidating to all but the most arrogant of guys... I don't know how happy she would've been with her life, I know I probably wouldn't want to be in her shoes. Girls hate her and the only guys that'll ask her out are wankers... and for what? For being so perfect. Poor girl... I hope she finds a nice guy to love... amazing how she manages to be so fresh and cheerful all the time... but on the flip side she always is fresh and cheerful, so maybe her life isn't so bad after all.
But back to me. I need to get some confidence, grow some balls and get my Rocel!
